Has anyone read the guardians liveblog of eurovision?
i am crying this is brilliant
some of my favourites include:
Next, BELARUS: land of smiling freakishly at pigeons in deserted plazas.
This singer is ridiculously endearing. He’s so happy. He’s so happy that he looks like he might actually start crying. It’s like he’s cut his mouth open, and then eaten an entire packet of salt and vinegar crisps, but he can’t stop smiling because he doesn’t want to look rude in front of whoever bought him the crisps. That’s exactly what it’s like. Oh, it’s finished. Well done, vinegar-breath! (About Malta)
“What if we all chose to bury our guns?” she sings. Well, I’d guess that if everyone buried all the guns, then it’d probably have quite a negative effect on vegetation and we’d all starve to death.
“What if we all opened our arms?” Then we’d all have someone’s hand right in our face. It’d be a right pain in the arse.
“What if we all came together as one?” RUSSIA. That would be DISGUSTING. Stop it NOW.
Now for THE NETHERLANDS: land of punching some ghosts on a roof.
Did my drinking game include ‘A giant vampire stands on a tiny mountain range surrounded by hundreds of enormous blood-filled condoms’? If it did, we’ve just hit the jackpot.
You will have probably heard about this song, of course, because it is incredible. It’s like this guy has swallowed Susan Boyle and she’s trying to scream for help through his abdominal wall.
Now he’s growing. He’s ten feet tall. Twelve feet tall. A hundred feet tall. I’m pretty sure that he’s going to crawl out of the television and kill us. This is amazing. I just glanced at Tweetdeck and it’s basically melting. Romania has melted Tweetdeck. That was incredible. I’d hate to be the act that followed that.
Once upon a time, a kindly Azerbaijani woman gave birth to two beautiful children. However, over the years it transpired that one of these twins was born evil. Fearing for humanity, the woman locked the evil son away in a see-through cage like The Avengers did with Loki. He lay trapped there for years, only deriving scraps of pleasure by sarcastically mimicking the good son’s dance routines. Then they both died.
This is the story of those twins.
GREECE! What are you PLAYING AT? This song is BRILLIANT! There are men in skirts, and old men with tiny instruments, and they’re all shouting ‘ALCOHOL IS FREE! ALCOHOL IS FREE!’ over and over again. This is the best song of the night by a million billion miles. YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO HOST EUROVISION NEXT YEAR GREECE. This is a madness. A MADNESS. You should have just put an idiot in a box like the Azerbaijanis did. That was rubbish. They had the right idea, you lunatics.
ALCOHOL ALCOHOL ALCOHOL IS FREE! ALCOHOL ALCOHOL ALCOHOL IS FREE! ALCOHOL! ALCOHOL! ALCOHOL IS FREE!
The woman from Azerbaijan just said “Everything is OK”. And also “Azerbaijan would like to pass Eurovision euphoria to Sweden”. Which is all well and good, but I’ve needed the toilet for 45 minutes now and literally every unnecessary word from anyone onscreen makes me feel like I’m being kicked in the bladder by a horse.
The Armenian presenter is singing now. I think I’ve just ruptured something.
Hang on, does this mean alcohol is expensive again? (Denmark had won)
This guy is amazing
http://www.guardian.co.uk/tv-and-radio/2013/may/18/eurovision-2013-live-blog Full live blog is here
tina turner knock off
katniss everdeen on fire
shakira in a disco ball
definitely not hey soul sister
russia wanting world peace
gay dracula satan
gay bos shadow men turned threesome
alcohol is free wearing skirts
disneys lion king
half naked irish drummers